October 29, 2019

Respect in Marriage

**Just a reminder, because I post it does not mean I am going through it. It means this is my opinion and my blog is called Debras Random Rambles for a reason. Thank you!**

I learned alot from my first marriage and divorce. Some good and alot bad. But here is what I have learned from it and what I wish others had shared with me.

 The dictionary defines Respect as: 

 1. A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements 

 2. Due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others

Sounds clear, doesn't it? Well let me tell you something. To some that sounds like blah, blah, blah. And if that is what it sounds like to a partner in a marriage, there is an issue. A very  BIG issue.

Mutual respect is a foundation for any relationship
To have a healthy and respectful marriage, there must be great mutual respect for your partner. Couples who are lacking in respect will find that their relationships are "lower" than those that have a higher level of respect. 
There are some simple steps to help improve the mutual respect that relationships need. 
Listen closely to partner's needs, desires, and concerns.
Show that you notice partner's needs, desires, and concerns by acting on what you discover about them.
When they are direct with requests, respond to what they ask for and act on those requests in a timely fashion. Don't procrastinate. That shows lack of respect. And you may loose the best chance to correct and act.
There are intimate details that only you are privileged to know about each other and your relationship. NEVER violate confidentiality.
Speak directly to your significant other rather than telling your complaints to friends and family.
When you make an undesired or bad choice, apologize as soon as possible. And try to correct your choice the best you can.
Take responsibility for the ways you harm your partner. Learn from your problems and choices so that you don’t continue to harm your relationship.
Show, tell and honor your respect for your significant other in front of family, friends, co workers, and others.
Let me go into examples:
1. Facebook and Messaging is a good place to start. We all have a Facebook. My personal page I have less than 200 friends. People I know and I like in real life. My Blog Page has over 3000 followers. I do not know them all but I appreciate the time they spend to read my page and posts. Some people have 300 plus on their personal page, thats fine too. The Respect issue comes in when Messenger does. It is a good tool to keep in touch with friends and family. But when that tool is used to converse with others problems in your relationship with your partner to another person, it becomes a tool of disrespect. Men should not vent to other women about their female partner as women should not tell other men about their private relationship issues either. Details are for couples. Disrespect happens when intimate details are shared without knowledge and consent of the other partner. 
---My current husband has a distant female friend who tells him how unhappy she is in her marriage. And she makes subtle passes at him in the conversations. She tries to get him to tell her details of how his marriage is. He thankfully does not tell her. She is not family nor a close friend but a former colleague of his that only speaks via messenger. Our marriage is not of her concern as hers is not of ours. I would not give my consent for details to be shared as I'm sure her husband would not either. Which is kinda funny because she lacks respect to the point she messaged my husband on the morning after our wedding to ask him how he was and if he got enough sleep. He did answer her vaguely with he had a good time, but I have given him grief over it since it happened. If I ask to see the conversation, he will show me. He knows I do not approve of the conversations but this is an issue we are currently working on as a couple.  Yep I leaked some personal info there! My husband is aware I shared this.
2. Listen closely. If they tell you that something you are saying is bothering them. Stop. Listen. Think from their side. Would you be ok if they shared or said the same things? Are you showing respect by making those comments? Is it worth their feeling being hurt or them being humiliated? 
---If your partner hears you over the phone telling someone something personal and they look at you and say "Stop telling them that, its not their business". Stop that part of the conversation. Move on. Apologize as soon as you can. Especially if the topic is one that is still heated between you and your partner. 
3. NEVER violate confidentiality. This is a big one. Especially to me. Conversations between partners, should remain between partners. Things spoken to each other or shared with each other in confines of the bedroom or anywhere that your partner expects to have a conversation with details only for you and them. That includes arguments, venting, discussions of money, space, sex, and desires. I'm sure there are more. Your told about your partner not liking one of your friends and they ask you not to share that. DO NOT SHARE IT! You have a fight over how much you watch porn? DO NOT SHARE IT! Partner catch you doing something you shouldn't have and you deny it even though you know you got caught? DO NOT SHARE IT! Correct the action, apologize and respect their opinion. Do not go off and bad mouth them to others. 
---Your partner will be humiliated if they know personal conversations that you had between yourselves were shared. Imagine walking into a room where people knew intimate details of things your partner shared. Bedroom issues? Money? Lack of drive? Do not share anything unless your partner is ok with it being shared. 
The definition of confidentiality is: The state of keeping or being kept secret or private.
I know this is one of my longest posts since I began blogging. This issue is close to my heart. Respect begins at home with your partner. When you loose the respect, you can loose the relationship. And you may never get that relationship back if respect is gone. 
Peace, Love & Respect!


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