June 13, 2016

They had an affair? Tips from a woman whose been there and survived that.

(Photo Credit: Google Image Search)

So, you have discovered your husband or wife has been having an affair. What next? What do you do? Who do you tell? What do you say? Divorce? Forgive? Leave?

Ladies, and gents, this is some of the hardest times you will ever face in your life. The choices and decisions you make now will effect you and others for a long time.

Let me start with one big thing.......

DO NOT POST CRAP ON SOCIAL MEDIA! I have learned this myself the hard way. There will be someone with a different opinion of the situation than yours. It may be your ex, your family, their family or anyone. Don't go looking for sympathy as you may not find it. That will come as word spreads about the affair.

CHANGE YOUR LOCKS! If you have kicked them out and no longer want them there.You don't want them coming back and going through your things when you are not home. And while your at it change the passwords on all your social media accounts. You want them locked out of everything you have as a precautionary measure.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! You may not feel like showering, but do it. You may not want to eat, you have to. Take care of yourself like you would take care of another person going through the same thing.

IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN TOGETHER, DO NOT VENT TO THEM! No matter how much you want to yell and scream, don't. To them that's the other parent and they love them as much as they love you. Kids don't need to know details. They can pick up vibes on their own just fine. They know somethings going on. Don't try to pit them against the other parent. Kids are kids. Not tools to get back at your former partner.

IF YOUR HAVING A HARD TIME COPING SEE SOMEONE. No, I don't mean date. I'm saying therapy works wonders. Talking to and venting, if needed, can help you feel better, make closure and deal with all the thoughts and feeling you have been having.

OTHER IDEAS: Go out with friends, volunteer or work out at a gym. Go for long walks and make it a priority to smile at 3 people. Increase the number of people you smile at with every walk.

Ive been there. I'm still there. My husband of almost 16 years, we had been together almost 20, had a year long affair before he finally came clean. I had known for months but he kept denying it. I had my proof, he had his lies to cover it. And he had more lies to cover the lies. He had been seeing and spending nights with a co-worker. He told me he was done and wanted a divorce. I said no. I hoped and prayed he would come back.

Then I had the panic attack from hell.

And I do mean hell! I went to the Emergency Department thinking I was having a heart attack. It wasn't thank god. The doctor said he had seen this happen to other people before. Your heart is so broken and you have a panic attack. Your body is reacting to the stress and emotional trauma. I was admitted for two days and treated on the cardiac floor. It is terrifying.

It was also a blessing. Thinking I was having a heart attack made me see things I should have seen before. Thinking I could have been dying was a slap on the face.

And I do thank God for it! After that I learned to love myself. I learned to appreciate myself and others. I learned about forgiveness and that I do possess the power to forgive someone who hurt me so deeply and who wasn't sorry for their actions or behaviors. I learned I was worth better. I deserved better. I deserved to be happy and loved by someone who would love me and care for my heart as if it were their own.

I learned to smile and I learned to live. And you can too. It is hard. One of the hardest things to go through. But you can do it. Your a beautiful survivor!

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